Are you there, Internet? It’s me. Jack

Happy 2010! Despite my hit and miss relationship with this series of tubes called the Internets, here I be, blogging away. No doubt, time could be better well spent - cure for cancer, ending world hunger, moving that mountain of snow piled in the driveway... but I have been informed by all my friends that if I continue to hold out from blogging or joining facebook, not only will they give up on me*, but I will suffer the friendless fate of having my brain devoured by snails**.

2009 was for sure, a year that far too many will be happy to put behind them. If you're stupid brave enough, let's swallow our meds and head up for a re-cap:

President Obama is elected as the first black president and then delivers an upbeat inaugural address, ushering in a new era of cooperation, civility and bipartisanship in a galaxy far, far away. Here on Earth everything stays much the same. The former president is taken back to Texas under the cover of darkness and is released into the wild where he no doubt bonded with a colony of ferrets.

Of course, none of that compares to February, when congress decides to send a stimulus package totaling $787 billion. The money is immediately turned over to taxpayers so they can use it to stimulate the economy. Ha ha! Got you, silly person! Of course it isn't. It is given to select institutions for the preservation of the economy as determined by, what we figure, is perhaps the Dept. of Treasury's magic 8 ball. By March, the citizens of America have their knickers in a bunch about these same failed institutions handing out bonuses to their top people, although we here at 4 Dog can't get our heads around why, when the initial number is still 787 BILLION!

April is pretty well dominated by international affairs, America issues a few even 'stronger!' words to North Korea, and it is otherwise lame, so we'll move onto May which if you ask us, was just about as exciting, so we'll move onto June.

The media produces a shocking outcome that sends shock waves of shock reverberating shockingness around the planet whom turns out to be -- incredibly -- that guy singer, whatshisname,... Michael somethingorother.... and proves that timing is everything, a lesson Mark Sanford, governor of South Carolina, missed by just a day. The nation therein learns that "hiking the Appalachian trail" is code for, "partaking in lucid, unholy, acts of an explicitly sexual nature in Argentina."

July was just awesome because a new car be had by this house via cash for clunkers. We would like to announce that yes, our vote is up for sale.

August to November was pretty much a cut scene, with a few exceptions: confronted with concern, public meetings were held wherein, members of the American public calmly ask questions in a respectful manner to their elected representatives about the proposal of a health care bill. Ha ha! That cracks us up. Of course, members of the American public actually hurl themselves at their political representatives in the manner of a rabid dog on a rancid squirrel.

President Obama is awarded the Nobel Peace Prize and David Letterman admits on TV that he has had several "hikes along the Appalachian trail" with members of his staff. Also, although we don't have a joke for it, the Large Hadron Collider is restarted after a 14-month delay. We just happen to think the LHC is kick-ass.

Also, we had swine flu. We do not wish that even on members of the public who arrange dog fights.

And so then, in ending, December will probably be remembered for announcing that anything that moves "hiked the Appalachian Trail" with Tiger Woods.

The end. Happy New Year everybody!


*Not a surprise, considering who we're dealing with here.
**Still doesn't sound as bad as having to remove the snowdrift piled up the steps to the front door.