Ask A Historian

After finally regaining control of the snow in the yard, nature has seen fit to replace it all, and then some, over this coming weekend. Ha ha, that silly nature, always seeming to tell us and our little Toyota, "Up Yours!"

It is, however, not without it's little delights. No doubt the Fargo Forum did not set out to make my day, but they exceeded my inner 9 year-old's expectations with this brilliant beauty.

(And yes, since you're wondering, I may actually be the last person on the planet who still occasionally reads a newspaper. Who knew they still made these things?!)

Speaking of old and things 'past-it', let's move to the history corner where we can ask all sorts of pressing questions with regard to our past:

Q. Why do I have to read this crap for History class?

A. Because The American Society of University Professors Who Are Never in Their Offices need job security you little twit, so just pretend you even cracked the cover, and we'll let it slide.

There is actually a trick to reading medieval literature. Because for the most part, they lacked the common courtesy to write in modern English, this was the 'days of yore' you will recall, and frankly, we're pretty sure there was a lot of 'yore' laying about the place, so these old, white, dead guys and the occasional Julian of Norwich, put pen to paper quite often, and continued to be miffed that Gutenberg was taking his sweet time to getting around to opening that Print Shop.

It was also the age of metaphors. When authors of this period talk about 'bird watching', we promise you, they are not ornithologists. You see, feudalism and Christianity were so popular, it ran under the themes of: if you could work hard, avoid witches, followed the rules, and proved to be a 'team player', you might live healthy and well right into your late 20's. Metaphors were a way for the whole, maybe, 3?, literate folks in the country to get around saying something so horrible, it would get you barbecued and quartered.

Examples:
Beheading = "I think the king is a ninny."
Modified = "I think the king is a ninny, and I hope he doesn't use a metaphor to remove my head."

Are you there, Internet? It’s me. Jack

Happy 2010! Despite my hit and miss relationship with this series of tubes called the Internets, here I be, blogging away. No doubt, time could be better well spent - cure for cancer, ending world hunger, moving that mountain of snow piled in the driveway... but I have been informed by all my friends that if I continue to hold out from blogging or joining facebook, not only will they give up on me*, but I will suffer the friendless fate of having my brain devoured by snails**.

2009 was for sure, a year that far too many will be happy to put behind them. If you're stupid brave enough, let's swallow our meds and head up for a re-cap:

President Obama is elected as the first black president and then delivers an upbeat inaugural address, ushering in a new era of cooperation, civility and bipartisanship in a galaxy far, far away. Here on Earth everything stays much the same. The former president is taken back to Texas under the cover of darkness and is released into the wild where he no doubt bonded with a colony of ferrets.

Of course, none of that compares to February, when congress decides to send a stimulus package totaling $787 billion. The money is immediately turned over to taxpayers so they can use it to stimulate the economy. Ha ha! Got you, silly person! Of course it isn't. It is given to select institutions for the preservation of the economy as determined by, what we figure, is perhaps the Dept. of Treasury's magic 8 ball. By March, the citizens of America have their knickers in a bunch about these same failed institutions handing out bonuses to their top people, although we here at 4 Dog can't get our heads around why, when the initial number is still 787 BILLION!

April is pretty well dominated by international affairs, America issues a few even 'stronger!' words to North Korea, and it is otherwise lame, so we'll move onto May which if you ask us, was just about as exciting, so we'll move onto June.

The media produces a shocking outcome that sends shock waves of shock reverberating shockingness around the planet whom turns out to be -- incredibly -- that guy singer, whatshisname,... Michael somethingorother.... and proves that timing is everything, a lesson Mark Sanford, governor of South Carolina, missed by just a day. The nation therein learns that "hiking the Appalachian trail" is code for, "partaking in lucid, unholy, acts of an explicitly sexual nature in Argentina."

July was just awesome because a new car be had by this house via cash for clunkers. We would like to announce that yes, our vote is up for sale.

August to November was pretty much a cut scene, with a few exceptions: confronted with concern, public meetings were held wherein, members of the American public calmly ask questions in a respectful manner to their elected representatives about the proposal of a health care bill. Ha ha! That cracks us up. Of course, members of the American public actually hurl themselves at their political representatives in the manner of a rabid dog on a rancid squirrel.

President Obama is awarded the Nobel Peace Prize and David Letterman admits on TV that he has had several "hikes along the Appalachian trail" with members of his staff. Also, although we don't have a joke for it, the Large Hadron Collider is restarted after a 14-month delay. We just happen to think the LHC is kick-ass.

Also, we had swine flu. We do not wish that even on members of the public who arrange dog fights.

And so then, in ending, December will probably be remembered for announcing that anything that moves "hiked the Appalachian Trail" with Tiger Woods.

The end. Happy New Year everybody!


*Not a surprise, considering who we're dealing with here.
**Still doesn't sound as bad as having to remove the snowdrift piled up the steps to the front door.